[form] "REBT Toolbox" Your Name please: [text,r_name,30] Email: [text,r_email,30] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Demand and Must Statements There is another part of your self-talk to explore: Demanding statements that usually include a rigid must, should, or ought. "I must do well! You absolutely should treat me fairly! Conditions always ought to be the way I want them to be!" REBT teaches you to dispute these demand statements and replace them with preference statements that express a wish, desire, want, or preference. Feel whatever you like and don't like, and often (not always!) express your preferences,. REBT holds that it is healthy for you to have strong and important desires and preferences, but unhealthy to have dogmatic demands, shoulds, and musts. If you begin to say that things absoulutely must, should, and ought to be the way you want them to be, you may make yourself inappropriately upset. Unfortunately, saying that something "must be" or "MUST NOT be" does not make it so. Saying how things absolutely should be, and demanding that they be different does not usually change them. In the way they are because nothing as yet has happened to make them different. Later, you hope, they will be better. But right now they have to be the rotten way they are - If that's the way they are right now! The reasoning behind demanding statements is usually weak: "It must because it must. Because that's the way it should be. Because that's the way it's done." "I must because I should is not much of a logical argument. Demands are also godlike: "Because I want to be successful, I have to be. Because I desire you to treat me well, you must do so. Because I prefer conditions to favour me, they should do so, "You, in others words, must run the universe! Sometimes we learn these imperative statements from our parents, or we make them up on our own, without any help from anyone. And we repeat them to ourselves like some broken record - when no law says that we have to keep "musturbating" Consider your own Activating Event and the demand statement(s) that you may be making about it. I MUST... [textarea,I must,3,70] EXAMPLE: "I MUST do well at every job interview." If you began to replace musts, shoulds, and oughts with preference statements, using I WISH, WANT, DESIRE, or PREFER then you will begin to make yourself feel better. When you feel better, you will probably do better. The difference between demand statements and preference statements goes beyond uttering on word instead of the other. Ultimately, you will benefit from convincing youself and your desires are not demands that the universe must carry out. Telling yourself that things should be different won't make them change. You may think you'll die if you don't get some of the things you believe you need. But will you? People will seldom heed your demands and commands - even if they bother to listen to you making them! Practice changing demand statements to preference statements. Look at the must statements you identified. Chagne them to preference statemetns, beginning with "I want, prefer, desire, wish, etc. Instead of DEMANDING, I WISH or PREFER... [textarea,I wish instead,3,70] Example: "I wish that I would do well at all my job interviews." Compare your preference and demand statements. Do you see that your preference statements illustrate the kind of thinking that is likely to make you less upset about unfortunate Activating Experiences? Your new statements are more clear and convincing because they reflect preferences, not demands At first, practice identifying and disputing your self-demanding musts, shoulds, and oughts every day and practice replacing them with more rational preferences and wishes. Later, you may require less practice. So far, you explored your basic philosophies and self-talk in different ways. You identified what your experience means to you - what downing labels you foten use; and what demand statements you frequently make about this experience. You practiced thinking or "talking" to yourself in a more self-helping way. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Questions or Comments? [textarea,questions or comments,3,70] [checkbox,send copy,checked] To receive a copy of your work here. Uncheck it if you have printed off a hardcopy for yourself. [submit,SEND this Entry][reset,Start Over again] [/form]