[form] "REBT Theory Lesson 04" Your Name please: [text,r_name,30] Email: [text,r_email,30] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Belief Systems - Major Musts Self-talk refers to what you think or say to yourself about your experience. It doesn’t mean talking out loud to yourself. Self-talk includes thinking and imagining. Self-talk reflects your Beliefs, which we shall now discuss. The B’s of REBT are Beliefs. You can also call them cognitions, thoughts, views, opinions, values, meanings, attitudes, ideas, expectations, and philosophies. You have two main types of self-talk or Beliefs: Rational and Irrational. Rational Beliefs (rBs) These are thoughts that lead to appropriate feelings and behaviours. They help you to get more of what you want and less of what you don’t want. Irrational Beliefs (iBs) These are thoughts that lead to inappropriate feelings and behaviours that block you getting more of what you want and prevent your getting less of what you don’t want. Major Musts Three main irrational Beliefs (iBs) create destructive feelings and self-defeating behaviours. These are known as the three major musts: 1. “I must perform well and/or win the approval of important people or else I am an inadequate person.” This often leads you to feel anxious, depressed, and worthless and to avoid “risky” pursuits. 2. “You (other people) must treat me fairly and considerately and not unduly frustrate me or else you are a rotten individual!” This tends to create anger, rage, fury, feuds, wars and genocide. 3. “My life conditions must give me the things I want and have to keep me from harm or else life is unbearable and I can’t be happy at all.” This tends to produce low frustration tolerance, depression, procrastination, and addiction. Take a moment to review the story you read about Jack and the salesperson. When Jack returned a shirt because he didn’t like the colour, the salesperson said to Jack “Are you sure this is new? It looks like some one slept in it.” John didn’t say anything, but he made himself burn up with anger. The shirt was obviously brand new. “This person is really an ass! Somebody should teach him some manners!” Jack thought. The rest of the day and most of the night John felt angry and grouchy because he kept thinking about how the salesperson “made me mad.” Jack’s basic Belief or core philosophy, which he brought to the situation, was: “A salesperson must not be rude to me. If he is, that grave mistake makes him an idiot!” Jack also thought (at point B), “I should have said what was on my mind, and I’m a rotten coward because I didn’t.” Can you identify any of the three major musts at work in Jack’s making himself upset? MUST No. 2 is at work “You (other people) must treat me fairly and considerately and not unduly frustrate me or else you are a rotten individual!” According to Jack, the salesperson was unfairly rude to him. So he negatively evaluated this person’s human worth and labelled him an idiot. If Jack had said to himself, “I want or desire this sales person to treat me fairly, but he obviously doesn’t have to do so,” then he would have felt appropriately irritated about the rudeness but not inappropriately angry at – and damning of – him, the sales person. MUST No. 1 is at work. In this case: “I must perform well and/or win the approval of important people or else I am an inadequate person.” Jack began to put himself down as a coward for not standing up for his rights. Jack constructed negative Beliefs about himself to himself: “I am a coward for acting cowardly in this instance. “But actually, if he acted cowardly, he is not a coward for doing so. If Jack would say to himself, “I want to learn to speak up assertively, but I don’t have to do so,” he would be appropriately disappointed in his behaviour, but would likely not be inappropriately grouchy all evening and angry at both the salesperson and himself. It is self-defeating when we tell ourselves rigid, authoriatarian musts, shoulds, and oughts. At point D, disputation, REBT teaches you to replace demand-statements (must, should, ought, need, have to, etc.) with preference statements (want, like, prefer, wish, etc.). Look at the first major must, “I must perform well and/or win the approval of important people or else I am an inadequate person.” This Belief is very much a demand, and may lead you to feel depressed, enraged, or panicked instead of appropriately disappointed, annoyed, and concerned when undesirable Activating Events occur or when you help bring them about. It would be better to say to yourself (at point B), “I would like to perform well and win the approval of important people. Who wouldn’t! But I don’t need to do so and I choose to accept myself even if other people don’t accept me.” This self-talk or philosophy reflects a preference, not a demand, and helps you feel appropriately disappointed or let down when rejected, but not feel despairing and demoralised. ======================================================================= Assignment 04 This lesson is mostly informational, however some insights can occur when you suddenly see what it is you are saying to yourself, especially when connected with some of your most common upsets. If this happened for you please write about it or share your thoughts and insights on this lesson. [textarea,my insights on this lesson,3,70] Which of the 3 Major Musts would you identify with most? Please write about where it surfaces in your living. 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