[form] Name[text,r_name,30] Email [text,r_email,30] REFRAME Level 4 Lesson 03 CONSUMERS & SUPPLIERS The words consumer and supplier are terms that most people are familiar with, especially those who are engaged in business. With the REFRAME use of this term, we use a context of time and role within which we explore the nature of an upset. In this case it is a simple dichotomy of role, did you receive or did you give? Consumers are people who use things, buy things, consume things, and accept things -- from suppliers. Suppliers are people who give things, offer things, and supply things -- to consumers. These same terms, Consumer and Supplier, borrowed from business, are used in this approach to explain how people's relate to issues particularly relationships with one another. Consider then, that everyone is either a Consumer or a Supplier at any one time, and in understanding how the two roles work, you will know how the use of the REFRAME Journal Forms help you resolve your upset. NOTE THIS WELL…. The Consumer role will be explained first, as more than 85% of the time people get upset as Consumers. THE CONSUMER ROLE If you are the listener in a conversation and the other person tells you something, gives you something, does something for you, or if you ask for something, you are the Consumer. The role of the Consumer is to request something from someone (the Supplier), and to receive a response to that request. The key words to listen for are: - Give me - I need - I want - I got - Will you please - I don't want These words identify you as a Consumer. There is power in being a Consumer! It is the Consumer who initiates all requests for action. If you don't ask for anything, or for what you truly want, no one will supply it to you. Were you ever afraid to ask for something because you felt that you wouldn't get it and that outcome would upset you? Which upset you more, not asking or the fear of not getting? At any one point; within any instance of time, every person will be in either the Consumer or the Supplier role. One person will be the giver, or Supplier, and the other person will be the receiver, or Consumer. This is why this context is so useful. The human way of relating to the world is a wonderful mechanism because it can switch roles instantly to handle "gives" and "takes" almost simultaneously. However, you cannot be in both roles at the same time! In a conversation with someone, listen carefully to the words that you speak and to the words that the other person speaks to recognise which role you are in, and which role the other person is in. Are both of you in the same role? Are you either the consumer or the supplier? If you find yourself asking, requesting, wanting, needing, desiring, you are the Consumer. If you find yourself giving, offering, answering, fulfilling requests, providing, sending, doing, you are the Supplier. Here are some examples of Consumer roles: - Child asking mother for an ice cream cone - Student getting his report card from the teacher - Teacher receiving an answer to a question - Employer asking an employee to work late - Lover getting a kiss - Actor getting applause from the audience When you are in the Consumer role you THINK like a Consumer. 1. Your upsets get activated (triggered) when your expected objectives and goals as a Consumer are not met or achieved. As a Consumer, your objective is to get something you want and to not get something you don't want. 2. You become an upset Consumer when you get something you don't want, or you don't get something you do want. 3. If you ask someone for something and you don't get it, you may become an upset Consumer. 4. When unsolicited advice is given to you or someone tells you something that you don't want to hear, you may become an upset Consumer. For example: Let's look at a potentially upsetting situation. Keith sends his son Ron, who is 22 years old, a birthday card with a $50 cheque in it. What is Keith's expectation? A thank you note or phone-call from his son. Ron has always received a present of one kind or another from his father on his birthday. What's Ron's expectation? His father should know that he appreciates a present without having to thank him. Who is the Consumer, who is the Supplier? Keith is the Supplier because he gave something to his son. Ron is the Consumer because he received something from his father. An upset may occur because the father wants to be a Consumer. He wants his son to be a Supplier and acknowledge him with a thank you. Ron does not wish to be a Supplier. He doesn't feel he has to acknowledge his father for the gift. Both want the other person to be in a different role than they are in reality! Looking at it this way, it's a lot easier to understand how and why our upsets get activated. To prevent an upset from occurring, each person must tell the other in what role he or she wishes to be treated. If not, the other person will treat you as they always have or as they want to. If this is not acceptable to you, you must tell the other person. No one is a perfect mind reader. Let's look at another potentially upsetting situation. Jim comes home from work and expects to eat dinner, relax and plunk down in front of the TV set. He expects his wife, Joan, to have dinner ready for him. Joan spent the day cleaning the house, taking care of the children, and coaxing the repairman to come to the house and fix the TV which went blank in the morning. She would like to be taken out to dinner and to a movie. Who is the Consumer and who is the Supplier? Jim and Joan are both Consumers! They both want something to be given to them, and they both want the other to be the Supplier! An upset may occur if they both continue to expect to get what they want without coming to some understanding as to who will play the part of the Consumer and who will be the Supplier. Another example: Barbara lives alone on a 33 acre farm, posted with no trespassing or hunting signs. She saw three hunters with guns cross her property and told them to leave. One of them said, "Yea, what are you gonna do about it." Barbara became an upset Consumer. She didn't like the answer she got. She went into the house, called the sheriff's office, and repeated the story. The deputy said he couldn't come out every time someone called and complained about some poachers. Barbara said, "Oh, I don't want you to do anything, I just called to tell you that I'm going to shoot them!" The sheriff was at her house in 3 minutes flat! What had Barbara done? She changed roles from being an upset Consumer to being a Supplier. She supplied the sheriff with information about her intention, and after she hung up she got her shotgun and fired a blast over the poachers' heads, supplying them with an answer! She kept her expectation of privacy and changed their reality. To resolve your upset, you had better change roles. You cannot resolve your upset in the same role in which you got upset. To remain in the same role is to want to continue to be upset. The suggested plans of action in the Consumer Upset Worksheet offer approaches to problem solving based on you being an upset Consumer. If the suggestions are in conflict with your belief, consider if your belief is serving you and what it is costing you not to change or alter it. If you prefer to keep that belief, can you instead change the reality of the situation? If so, become the Supplier and do it! THE SUPPLIER ROLE Now put yourself in the Supplier role. If you are the speaker in a conversation and you tell the other person something, give them something, do something, or offer something to the other person, you are the Supplier. The role of the Supplier is to provide something to someone (the Consumer), in response to that request. The action of the Supplier is to fulfil requests from the Consumer, and be the giver, provider, or doer. The key words to listen for are: - Do you want...? - I will - Can I get you...? - I won't - I can - I am not able to These words identify you as a Supplier. There is power in being a Supplier! It is the Supplier that fulfils all requests for action. If you don't act upon the requests, nothing gets accomplished! Were you ever afraid of offering something to someone because you felt your offer wouldn't be accepted? Which upset you more, not offering or the fear of being rejected? As soon as you stop giving and ask for something, you become the Consumer. The "gives" and "takes" between people happen instantly -- often without notice. A conversation of true dialogue is a good example of switching roles in a structured pattern. However, you cannot be in both roles at the same time! Listen carefully to the words that you speak and to the words that the other person speaks to recognise which role each of you is in. If you find yourself giving, offering, answering, fulfilling, providing, sending, doing, you are the Supplier. What you DO and SAY; and NOT do and NOT say determines your role as a Supplier. Here are some examples of Supplier roles: - Good humoured person giving a child an ice cream cone - Teacher giving student a report card - Employee telling the boss that he/she will stay late - Student offering teacher an answer to a question - Lover giving a kiss - Audience clapping for the performance When you are in the Supplier role you THINK like a Supplier. Your upsets get triggered when your expected objectives and goals as a Supplier are not met. As a Supplier, your objective is to give something you want to give and to not give something you don't want to give. You become an upset Supplier when you can't give something you want to give, or you give something you don't want to give. When you give someone unsolicited advice and their response is not to take it, you may become an upset Supplier. You could also get upset as a Supplier because you gave something that you didn't want to give. Let's look at a potentially upsetting situation. Your spouse asks you to go out with another couple for the evening. You think the man is a bore. An upset may occur if you say yes, because you don't want to give something, that is, your presence for the evening. If this ever happened to you and you got upset, the REFRAME Journal can help you resolve this or a similar upsetting situation. You could also be upset as the Consumer, because you got something you didn't want, and that was the request from your spouse. Go and Fill out the REFRAME Journal Form. There is no need to purchase expensive books or software to sort this out. Once you know the basics from a time of training with this approach, and the REFRAME Online Counsellor, you will have all the tools necessary to pull out of upsets and STAY OUT of that kind of upset! Remember that not every upsetting situation will be exactly the same. The circumstances could be different and still have a recurring theme. A case in point: A woman's father died. She was extremely upset over the loss of her father for quite a long time. In filling out a Consumer Upset Analyser she saw that she was upset because her father "left her". She was asked to project the upsetting situation into the future when the same or a similar upsetting situation would happen again. "How could this happen again", she said, "I had only one father!" In filling out the REFRAME Future oriented Sorter Form, she got to see that she became upset when anybody "left her", that is, friends, relatives, or whenever a relationship was terminated. She got to see that things change and loved ones do leave. Another potentially upsetting situation: Jane is an experienced real estate broker. She set up her inexperienced brother Phil in a real estate business using his name. Her expectation: Phil would appreciate what she did and listen to her advice about running the business. Phil is an older brother who towers over Jane, who is shorter. He has always felt that Jane was his "little sister" who doesn't really know much. His expectation: He didn't need her advice. He can run the business without her interference and he can show her how smart he is. Jane will be an upset Supplier if Phil won't take her advice. Phil will be an upset Consumer if Jane won't leave him alone about his business. He doesn't like getting something he doesn't want. You may get upset when you expect the other person to be in one role and they want to be in the same role as you! When two people are Suppliers, there is very little communication, and possible cause for an upset. When two people are Consumers, there is very little communication, and possible cause for an upset. A person may sometime give you the appearance that they want to play the role of the Supplier and give you something...yet secretly want to be a Consumer, and get something from you. This is a "mixed message!" Sound familiar to you? On the other hand, a person may give the appearance that they want to play the role of the Consumer and ask you for something, yet secretly want to be a Supplier, and verbally let you have it! Another "mixed message." For effective communication, each person in an interaction must be in different roles. Someone must be the Supplier, someone must be the Consumer. If someone says something to you that you don't like and you don't say something to that person -- you are a closet Supplier! You feel that you can't give that person something that you want to give...that is, a piece of your mind! Using the terms Consumer and Supplier to identify the roles and establish the expectations of the participants takes the charge off potentially upsetting situations. When you are conscious of your role as a Consumer or a Supplier, you will know the power that is available to you -- which you always have! When two people talk to each other at the same time, they are both supplying. No communication takes place. Usually both parties gradually raise their voices attempting to shout down the other -- an upset in the making. When two people "hold it in" and don't talk to one another, no communication takes place. They are both consuming -- an upset in the making. Try an experiment. Better to use a trusted friend, and explain that you are learning communication skills and want to try something with their help. Begin talking with them on any topic, i.e. what you did on your last holiday. Continue talking and do the following: 1. Increase your volume 2. Keep repeating yourself 3. Add gestures, e.g., shake your finger at the other person 4. Tell the other person to shut up and listen to you How did your friend feel? How did you feel? Those are tactics used by forceful, rigid, demanding type thinking to emphasise the role of Supplier. You will be supplying while the other person is trying to supply, while they hold the expectation that you will listen as a CONSUMER. How far does it get you? Okay Now try: 1. Keeping quiet 2. Listening to the other person 3. Asking for more information and clarification on what the other person is saying These are tactics to emphasise your role as a Consumer. What happens to the conversation and to your feelings as a Consumer, and a Supplier? Your upset is determined by the role you were in at the time you got upset. In order to resolve your upset, you must change roles -- from being a Consumer to being a Supplier, or vice versa. The suggested plans of action that are provided by the REFRAME Online Counsellor will offer approaches to problem solving based on you being an upset Supplier. If the suggestions are in conflict with your belief, consider if your belief is serving you and what it is costing you not to change it. If you can change it, do so! If you can't, can you change the reality of the situation? If so, become the Consumer and do it! If you get stuck, then get some qualified help and don't give in until you get a handle on it! It's worth it! Once you beat it in this form, you will likely free yourself up in other areas where another form of this unhelpful belief has been applied. Is your belief or expectation irrational? Here are some identifiers to give you a clue: If your belief is distorting reality, i.e. a misinterpretation of what is happening, or it involves some illogical ways of evaluating yourself or others or the situation. 1. Do you see it as much worse than it really is, and do you see it as going to get worse but you have no real evidence to support it? If so you are jumping to conclusions = assumptions. 2. Do you find yourself inflexible in your expecting (demandingness, shoulds, musts, oughts) Are you strongly expecting things should NOT be as they actually ARE or ARE NOT? 3. Do you find yourself rating or evaluating the other person(s) or rating yourself in derogatory, 'put down' or condemning terms? Some people call this labelling or people-rating. People usually use it in such a way that their inaccurate label is meant to describe the TOTAL person, when human beings are far too complex to describe in such a simple way. 4. Is your thinking blocking you from achieving your goals and purposes? 5. Is your thinking generating extreme debilitating emotions which persist, and with distress you or immobilise you? 6. Is your thinking generating behaviour which harms you, others, or your life in general? If you find these kinds of thinking apply to you, then you might consider that you are best to work on changing your thinking or how you hold your expecting. IF however your thinking is not distorted, and it is realistic in terms of what life can deliver, you may be more interested in taking action to ensure that reality supplies what you expect. The Assignment 1. Describe what a consumer is with some examples of you functioning in that role when you and someone familiar use it. [textarea,examples of a consumer,3,70] 2. Describe what a supplier is with some examples of how you function in that role when you and someone familiar use it. [textarea,examples of a supplier,3,70] 3. Explain how these two roles shape what your expectations [textarea,the two roles shaping effect,3,70] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Comments or Questions? [textarea,comments or questions,3,70] [checkbox,send copy,checked]Check this box if you wish to receive a copy of your input via email [submit,SEND this Journal][reset,Start Over again] [/form]