[form] Name[text,r_name,30] Email [text,r_email,30] REFRAME Level 3 Lesson 03 BELIEF IT OR NOT The REFRAME Forms identify what your expectations were or are, then what the reality was or will be, concerning your upsetting situation. A Future looking view asks what you want to happen, and what you believe will really happen. It is a projection of your imagination into your perceived future. Our expectations are derived from our belief systems and this lesson is intended to help you detect when your beliefs are serving you and when they are not. We usually get upset when our "shoulds" (requiring an underlying belief to be honoured or matched by reality) are being challenged. In other words, the other person; my self, Life, God... "should" or "should not"; "must" or "must not" have done or said what he or she did. We reveal our underlying beliefs when we use words like "should" and "shouldn't" and "ought" and "ought not"; "must" or "must not" in our conversations and in our self-talk and thinking. Other clues come in the types of distortions discussed in your previous lesson. 1. Exaggerating the degree of badness we assign to a situation. 2. Underestimating our ability to cope or handle frustration. 3. Condmening self, others, life, God as in put downs, or poor evaluations of such. 4. Rigidly holding to expectations that are irrational. Beliefs have a number of influences and origins. Some of the beliefs we hold and function out of now come from our parents, others from significant friends or events, some from our physical cultural social or religious background. When we rely on a particular belief repeatedly, it becomes so automatic within us, we don't even know or realise that we have it. Some approaches to counselling call it 'automatic thinking'; it is regarded as habitual and has become ingrained in our subconscious through our repetitive; frequent use. Some of us have what we liken to little voices (tapes) in the back of our head that tell us from time to time what we and others "shouldn't" do, say, and think! We may express it as "If I were you, I would..." or, "What you should do is..." Some people refer to this as echoes from the past. While you're working with a journal it pays to try and connect with the issue you're journalling. The most effective way is to get in touch with the emotions that are associated with it. You can do this by picturing and holding the upsetting situation in your mind's eye. To help this you are asked preparation or warm up questions. The personal clue as to when you have successfully "connected" to the issue is when you experience something of the original emotions you felt at the time of the upset. Though this is uncomfortable, without such a connection you may not spot the core of what's driving it. When you connect pay particular to whatever conversation; self-talk; thinking that is going on in your head. Do you hear yourself using rigid words like "should" or "shouldn't"...? What do you hear yourself saying to yourself about it? It's at this point that you will see your beliefs and values surfacing! Beliefs are usually situation dependent, though we hold some in an abstract general form, and the more abstract they are the wider the kinds of situation we apply them to. The beliefs that become part of our set, are usually those that have worked or helped us at particular times or challenges in our lives. As adults, for example, we may believe that parents should control their children. But as children we believed that parents should leave us alone. We may believe that saying "please" and "thank you" are the proper things to do, showing manners, except when we may be paying another person's salary. THINK ABOUT THIS: ASK YOURSELF: Is keeping promises something people "should" do, OR is it something we prefer they do? Are you able to release a person from their promise under certain circumstances? How about the value or idea that: "We should always be nice." OR "We shouldn't trust anyone we don't know". What about: "A true friend shouldn't do things like that." OR "True love should last forever." I think you'll agree that these thoughts hold great potential for an upsets when they are blocked or frustrated by non-compliance. These beliefs, expectations and assumptions become part of our personality -- and we function quite well until there is an upset! Recognise that your beliefs are likely to be challenged to a greater or lesser degree every time your expectations are not met. Your first response may be to evaluate or rate the situation in terms of exaggerated badness. You may label it as a total catastrophe, and you may demand that this reality SHOULD NOT be so. The degree to which you exaggerate its badness, is the degree to which you will stoke your boilers for a full head of "steam". You may assess an expectation not met in terms of your ability to handle it or cope. The lower you assess your ability to cope the lower your frustration trigger point and the easier it is to upset you. You may take it that an expectation not met has something to say about yourself and begin the spiral of putting yourself down, or vigorously putting others down. These ways are ways we can enhance our upset when our expectations are not met. You need to bear in mind though, not to toss everything out! Some of your "shoulds" or beliefs will be rational and serve to wisely protect you from harm or loss. They probably function very well for that purpose. Others however, create problems especially when they are unrealistic. When we interact and form relationships with friends, lovers, spouses, and business associates, we may occasionally sense that we are behaving in ways that "don't feel right." We can sense, even feel -- that something is not right, but we can't put our finger on it. Guess what? What's happening is something, a behaviour or aspect is MOST LIKELY in conflict with one or a cluster of, our beliefs to do with relationships or behaviour around those who are important to us. If we insist upon holding onto unrealistic beliefs in their unchanged form, and IF we continue to act and respond in ways that are in conflict with it, we can guarantee we will be upset -- and if we leave such to with adjustment or alteration, it can lead us into long term emotional upsets that bring consequences worse than the original upset. REFRAME is about recognising that though we are experiencing strong negative emotions, those emotions have their root in beliefs or values that are violated. When we do this we are separating our Actions from our Feelings and making the first steps to spotting the core. EXAMPLES to consider - If the remedying action we took in an upsetting situation didn't satisfy us, it's possibly because we didn't meet our own expectation. - If we are upset because no action we take changes the situation, then our expectations of the situation aren't being met. - If we are upset because the action we took didn't change the other person, then our expectations of the other person's behaviour are not being met. REMINDER: The REFRAME Journal Forms compare our expectations (beliefs) with the reality of a situation. To SORT out our upset, We need to EITHER: change our belief to be consistent with our action OR change our action to be consistent with our belief. When they match each other, our upset will be resolved because nothing is being challenged. As an example: One woman believed that she should "always be nice", and if she said what was on her mind, she was a "bad person". Yet she found herself ineffective in solving her problems during a very trying time in her life. She got sick and went into the hospital. In working with the Journal, she became aware of her internal conflict and in so doing, was able to speak her mind. She chose to change her behaviour. She gave herself permission to do what she needed to do to protect her health instead of protecting the other person's feelings. She realised that the other person was responsible for his/her own feelings just as she was. She found out that the penalty for her belief (being a "nice" person) exceeded the reward (her health). As humans, we seem to be programmed to continue doing what is habitual even though it no longer serves our needs, and costs us our happiness and health. Only when there is a perceived life threatening situation or we face overpowering evidence that what we have always believed works for us, doesn't -- then and only then do we change! Why do we have to wait so long? In essence it is easier and uses less energy to take shortcuts versus not taking time to think effectively about it. The need is for a way to easily identify which of our beliefs (expectations) are serving us and which ones are not. The REFRAME Analyser Forms do just that. They let you see at a glance with the map you make, where your expectations and your reality are mismatched and what you are aware or not aware of. You are then empowered to decide if holding onto your belief is useful or not. The choice to change is yours! Many people are holding onto outdated or mismatched beliefs and have done so for years. Fortunately with the right help it does not take years to get rid of them. If you are prepared to work at it, you can learn to spot and alter our erroneous beliefs so that they serve us not frustrate us. In working with the REFRAME forms, you will get in touch with the way things are and the way people behave and compare to how you think things or people "should" or "should not" be. When you are aware of the "shoulds" that you think and say, you will have the opportunity to look at reality in a different way. The inside view is the world of expectation, the outside view is reality and what it presents that inner map. You will gain immeasurable insight into why you get upset and be well on the way to resolving your upsets. DON'T GO AND UNNECESSARILY "SHOULD" ON YOURSELF! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ASSIGNMENT 1. Define what a "should" is in terms of this issue [textarea,what a should is,3,70] 2. Define what a 'preference" is. [textarea,what a preference is,3,70] 3. Discuss the difference between the two phrases (should and prefer) in regard to REFRAME. [textarea,difference between a should and a prefer,3,70] 4. What are the benefits of changing a rigid "should" or "must" to a "preference"? [textarea,benefits of changing a should to a preference,3,70] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Comments or Questions? [textarea,comments or questions,3,70] [checkbox,send copy,checked]Check this box if you wish to receive a copy of your input via email [submit,SEND this Journal][reset,Start Over again] [/form]