[form] Name[text,r_name,30] Email [text,r_email,30] REFRAME Level 3 Lesson 02 WELCOME to "REFRAME" The online course that helps you examine how your expectations, and understanding them, can put you in charge of what upsets you, and give you some clues on how to change what is changeable.. Here are thoughts to help you shape what you can plan to expect from your participation: 1. This REFRAME course assumes that you are studying to improve how you relate to others, yourself and to the life issues you face from an examination of your role, expectations and thinking style, and that you don’t expect to learn something deeply psychological to do so. 2. The REFRAME approach is non-judgmental and non-confronting through the friendly media of email, online journal work and chatroom interaction 3. REFRAME is not about mind control where there is a call for you to share your "deep-darks", past history, or reveal heaps of private information simply because the approach does not require such. 4. You need no special training or background other than your lived experience and your natural ability to read and think about what you read and make better choices. The concept used is helpful for most of life’s upsetting issues, and fits in with our experience of it. 5. You need only to be open and honest in your feelings about what's bothering you in what you are trying to relate to, to have this course help you to improve it -- to resolve your upsets -- and prevent upsets from occurring and re-occurring, AND to help others sort theirs out. 6. REFRAME helps you focus on what you CAN change rather than grind yourself down on what you cannot. We will show you that in most cases it is your thinking (beliefs, expectations, values, assumptions …) which, when altered, can resolve most of your upsets. If not your thinking, then some clues as to how to form an ACTION PLAN. We hold that People are better to take emotional responsibility for their outcomes, rather than expect you to fix their feelings by doing what they could just as easily do for Themselves. I am confident that each of us has the power to resolve our upsets with other people -- no matter what they are, no matter how long we've held onto them, if we really choose to, and commit ourselves to work for a solution. For example: I can upset myself when I think poorly about what someone says or when they do something that I think he or she "should not" or "should", have said or done. I have learned that: it is not as important how often you get upset, or with whom you get upset – BUT only how effectively you stop being or getting upset! The object is for you to get what you want out of your relationships, not to demonstrate to the other person how right you are, and how wrong they are! You may ask, "What do you mean by the word upset?" The word UPSET is used to refer to a situation when your expectation of (or towards) Self, Others, Life or the Divine was NOT met. Our upset becomes centred on what that element "should" or "should not" have done, or what they will NOT do. The UPSET is when we hold strongly that THINGS SHOULD or MUST be different from what they are, and THEN we spice it up with 1. The degree of badness we assign it; 2. How well we assess we can cope with it 3. How much we condemn or put down self or the other person. 4. How rigidly, inflexibly we hold the demand that our expectation be met. Some people use the word "disturbed" instead of "upset". We all experience at different times, periods of upset when our expectations are blocked. A rough gauge of the degree of your upset, may be obtained by observing just how rigidly you hold to the expectation you have about your upsetting situation or relationship. Upsets do not have to manifest themselves in a show of tears or rage, nor are they necessarily a part of being a male or a female. There are many distressing emotions that disable us. For example: Anger, Anxiety, Depression, Envy, Jealousy, Hurt, Guilt, and Shame. The aim of the REFRAME approach is to give you insight in regard to the beliefs underlying our expectations, and then to interfere or intervene with that so you get the opportunity to rid yourself of unhelpful thinking. You will be helped to see what you already know about yourself and what you may have forgotten. REFRAME expects to empower you to take charge over your own life! When you get upset because a relationship is falling apart or not working the way you want it to, you may be unable to get in touch with and exercise such "taking-charge" power, to achieve the results that you want; and whether you feel you deserve them or not. With the combination of the REFRAME resources and the communication tools explained in this course, we will help you to open up your awareness of a power that you already have -- a power to resolve your upsets and start to make your relationships and your relating work. QUESTIONS MOST PEOPLE ASK: WHAT IS THIS APPROACH? The REFRAME method lets you look at upsetting situations in a new way. It allows you to see the difference between what you expected to happen and what actually did happen, and provides communication suggestions to establish strategies to resolve the differences. These differences can be with anyone -- your spouse, lover, friend, family member, boss, or fellow worker. Also in a slightly more abstract sense, to your own ideas about your self. In order to build or repair anything, tools are needed. In the world of communication, language is one of the tools we use to help build relationships. The kind of tools we use determine the quality of the relationship we build with our friends, loved ones, and business associates. If our toolbox consists of one hammer, THEN every problem will look like a nail. There are certain basic principles represented in the REFRAME approach. 1. Upsetting situations will occur frequently in life due to our inherent fallible nature as humans. 2. Upsets block our ability to think and be clear about how to achieve our goals. 3. Upsets can affect our physical health. 4. Unresolved upsets prevent our relationships from developing to mutual satisfaction. 5. Unresolved upsets stunt our intellectual growth and emotional development. When communication breaks down in an interaction ( or situation ) due to an upset, we need a set of tools to repair and re-establish the relationship. Many of us don't have those effective repair tools and most of us do not know how to use them. This approach provides practical communication tools that will allow you to resolve any upset that you may have with another person, and show you how to prevent them from occurring again! Though its my brain that takes the strain At the end I'll be taught to keep the gain GLOSSARY OF TERMS THE REFRAME Journal This is the "identification" tool that shows you precisely how your expectations cause an upset. You will see why you got upset and what your expectations were about the upsetting situation. The Journal will help you identify and understand your unmet expectations. Unmet expectations are the KEY to understanding what holds all upsets intact, and how they set you up for more of the same. If the expectation is a rational realistic one, and it is not met, then instead of trying to change yourself, you can accept your expectation is real and reasonable, and you are instantly armed with a strategy. CONSUMER (receiver) AND SUPPLIER (giver) ROLES These are the "power" tools that shift you into the appropriate role to build a plan of action that will work for you. When YOU know which role you were in when you got upset you are armed with the first piece of knowledge for a resolution. REFRAME provides a way to help you do that. The REFRAME approach will teach you how to determine the role you are in at any given moment during an interaction with someone, and then present you with a way to work with it. STRATEGY CHOICES These are the "strategy" tools that present the options that are open to you in most upsetting situations or relationships. Out of the strategy choices, a plan of action can be used to resolve your upset. Strategies and a plans of action for each expectation issue can be provided by the Online Counsellor to help you resolve your upset if you get stuck. THE 7 EXPECTATION ISSUES This section of REFRAME is the "reasoning" tool to help you identify which one (or more) of the seven expectation issues you hold in your thinking, and which of those is helping you into make yourself upset. The seven issues form a basis for understanding our upsets in our relating to life, and particularly our relationships with people. With practice, you will be able to internalise the seven issues and consciously identify areas of potentially upsetting situations. As you use the REFRAME Journal forms to resolve individual upsets, there's a high likelihood of you seeing a pattern, running like a thread through your life. You will be able to think through, and determine which one of the seven issues is your "hot spot" or "trigger" or "button" (depending on which term you use to refer to things beginning). The "hot spot" is that area of upset over which you feel you have no control and which keeps rearing its ugly head again and again. You will see that when you resolve one area of conflict, you will likely solve other similar kinds of conflict which are related to it, and which stem from it. With a little qualified help and encouragement from the Online Counsellor you can deal with the hot spot area of your thinking, especially if it doesn't match the reality of being satisfied just because you strongly insist it SHOULD be. This REFRAME course provides definitions of each of the seven expectation issues. The course provides an in-depth look into each of the 7 issues about the causes of upset and why people get upset in a particular way. It will also detail some of the pitfalls that we get caught in that cause us to create upsetting situations. ARE THERE DIFFERENT TYPES OF UPSETS? YES! There are essentially three types of relationship upset: 1. INTERPERSONAL UPSETS This type of upset deals with upsetting situations that occur between you and another person. This process deals with interpersonal upsets. When you fill out the online forms, you choose a particular upsetting event that occurred between you and another person at a particular point in time. It is most helpful if you are specific and pinpoint the incident in real concrete terms rather than abstract general terms. For example: "it was when you said or did....", otherwise the online forms will not help you resolve your upset as well as it can when you put it in specific terms. 2. INTRAPERSONAL UPSETS This type of upset deals with upsetting situations that occur when you get upset with yourself where no one else is involved. You have only YOURSELF to be upset with over your own actions and behaviour. For instance, finding the spare tire missing from the boot of the car when you get a flat tire might cause you to get upset with yourself -- especially when you took it out and forgot to put it back! Other approaches are available to help you deal with this type of upset. Get some help from someone who can help you unpack your thinking to find the disturbing part that needs reworking. Usually it amounts to checking out which of your values are realistic, and which of the beliefs you hold are attached to those values and will not take anything less than absolute compliance. This is the purpose of the link with the Online Counsellor who is trained to help you do just exactly that. In most cases when you have dealt to the core issue, you will find you can work through most of the balance of the work by yourself with a little help. 3. THIRD PARTY UPSETS This type of upset deals with situations where you are upset with a third party -- someone you think did or didn't do something to someone else, usually a close friend or relative. Use the "someone else" as the person with whom you are really upset. That person probably didn't do something you wanted him or her to do, which means that person didn't take your advice. This person usually plays the part of the victim, causing frustration, and an upset. WHAT RESULTS CAN I REALISTICALLY HOPE TO SEE? Participating in this programme you can expect to learn: - When and why you get upset. - What you might do when you get upset - The difference between expectation and reality - Why most people get upset for the wrong reason - What the seven most common issues are that cause upsets - How and what to listen for when others speak You can expect to impact your emotional life by finding out: 1. How to improve the important relationships in your life with your spouse, boss, employees, friends and family members 2. Which of your beliefs are serving you and which ones are holding you back 3. How to resolve conflicts and create a win-win for both participants 4. How to stop blaming other people for how you feel 5. How to forgive yourself and others 6. How to deal with your anger, hurt, fear, and other emotions in a constructive way 7. How to ask for what you want without feeling afraid 8. How to stop being the victim 9. How to recognise mixed messages Using these tools, you will learn how to reduce your upsets and be more effective -- with almost anyone, time or place! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Assignment 1. What are the main kinds of upset that occur between people? [textarea,the three main kinds of upset are,5,70] 2. Write about what the main kinds of upset are that you experience with others? [textarea,these are the main kind of upsets I experience,5,70] 3. Write about the main kind of upsets that are occurring in your family or present household? [textarea,these are the main kinds that happen around me,5,70] 4. Write and explain the goals and outcomes you seek in doing REFRAME. [textarea,these are the goals and outcome I seek in doing REFRAME,5,70] ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Comments or Questions? [textarea,comments or questions,3,70] [checkbox,send copy,checked]Check this box if you wish to receive a copy of your input via email [submit,SEND this Journal][reset,Start Over again] [/form]