CONSUMERS & SUPPLIERS The words consumer and supplier are terms that most people are familiar with, especially those who are engaged in business. Consumers are people who use things, buy things, consume things, and accept things -- from suppliers. Suppliers are people who give things, offer things, and supply things -- to consumers. These same terms, Consumer and Supplier, borrowed from business, are used in this approach to explain people's relationships with one another. Consider then, that everyone is either a Consumer or a Supplier at any one time, and in understanding how the two roles work, you will know which Upset Worksheet to use to help you resolve your upset. In the online analyser you'll be asked to make one of four selections that describe the basic nature of how you are relating to the issue at hand. These choices will identify whether your role was Consumer or Supplier and whether its more about what's yet to happen (future) or what's already happened (past). Many more people get upset as consumers than as suppliers. THE CONSUMER ROLE If you are the listener in a conversation and the other person tells you something, gives you something, does something for you, or if you ask for something, you are the Consumer. The role of the Consumer is to request something from someone (the Supplier), and to receive a response to that request. The key words to listen for are: - Give me - I need - I want - I got - Will you please - I don't want These words identify you as a Consumer. There is power in being a Consumer! It is the Consumer who initiates all requests for action. If you don't ask for anything, or for what you truly want, no one will supply it to you. Were you ever afraid to ask for something because you felt that you wouldn't get it and that outcome would upset you? Which upset you more, not asking or the fear of not getting? At any instance in time, every person will be in either the Consumer or the Supplier role. One person will be the giver, or Supplier, and the other person will be the receiver, or Consumer. The human system is a wonderful mechanism because it can switch roles instantly to handle "gives" and "takes" almost simultaneously. However, you cannot be in both roles at the same time! In a conversation with someone, listen carefully to the words that you speak and to the words that the other person speaks to recognise which role you are in, and which role the other person is in. Are both of you in the same role? Are you either the consumer or the supplier? If you find yourself asking, requesting, wanting, needing, desiring, you are the Consumer. If you find yourself giving, offering, answering, fulfilling requests, providing, sending, doing, you are the Supplier. When you are in the Consumer role you think like a Consumer. THINK OF SOME EXAMPLES OF WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN A CONSUMER Your upsets get activated (triggered) when your expected objectives and goals as a Consumer are not met or achieved. As a Consumer, your objective is to get something you want and to not get something you don't want. 1. You become an upset Consumer when you get something you don't want, or you don't get something you do want. 2. If you ask someone for something and you don't get it, you may become an upset Consumer. 3. When unsolicited advice is given to you or someone tells you something that you don't want to hear, you may become an upset Consumer. To prevent an upset from occurring, each person must tell the other in what role he or she wishes to be treated. If not, the other person will treat you as they always have or as they want to. If this is not acceptable to you, you must tell the other person. No one is a mind reader. An upset may occur if they both continue to expect to get what they want without coming to some understanding as to who will play the part of the Consumer and who will be the Supplier. To resolve your upset, you had better change roles. You cannot resolve your upset in the same role in which you got upset. To remain in the same role is to want to continue to be upset. The suggested plans of action in the Consumer Upset Worksheet offer approaches to problem solving based on you being an upset Consumer. If the suggestions are in conflict with your belief, consider if your belief is serving you and what it is costing you not to change or alter it. If you prefer to keep that belief, can you instead change the reality of the situation? If so, become the Supplier and do it! ----------------------------------------------------------- THE SUPPLIER ROLE Now put yourself in the Supplier role. If you are the speaker in a conversation and you tell the other person something, give them something, do something, or offer something to the other person, you are the Supplier. The role of the Supplier is to provide something to someone (the Consumer), in response to that request. The action of the Supplier is to fulfil requests from the Consumer, and be the giver, provider, or doer. The key words to listen for are: - Do you want...? - I will - Can I get you...? - I won't - I can - I am not able to These words identify you as a Supplier. There is power in being a Supplier! It is the Supplier that fulfils all requests for action. If you don't act upon the requests, nothing gets accomplished! Were you ever afraid of offering something to someone because you felt your offer wouldn't be accepted? Which upset you more, not offering or the fear of being rejected? As soon as you stop giving and ask for something, you become the Consumer. The "gives" and "takes" between people happen instantly -- often without notice. A conversation of true dialogue is a good example of switching roles in a structured pattern. However, you cannot be in both roles at the same time! Listen carefully to the words that you speak and to the words that the other person speaks to recognise which role each of you is in. If you find yourself giving, offering, answering, fulfilling, providing, sending, doing, you are the Supplier. What you do and say and not do and say determines your role as a Supplier. When you are in the Supplier role you think like a Supplier. THINK OF SOME EXAMPLES OF WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN A SUPPLIER Your upsets get triggered when your expected objectives and goals as a Supplier are not met. As a Supplier, your objective is to give something you want to give and to not give something you don't want to give. You become an upset Supplier when you can't give something you want to give, or you give something you don't want to give. When you give someone unsolicited advice and their response is not to take it, you may become an upset Supplier. You could also get upset as a Supplier because you gave something that you didn't want to give. Let's look at a potentially upsetting situation. Your spouse asks you to go out with another couple for the evening. You think the man is a bore. An upset may occur if you say yes, because you don't want to give something, that is, your presence for the evening. If this ever happened to you and you got upset, the Supplier Upset Worksheet can help you resolve this or a similar upsetting situation. You could also be upset as the Consumer, because you got something you didn't want, and that was the request from your spouse. Fill out the Consumer Upset Worksheet. Not every upsetting situation will be exactly the same. The circumstances could be different and still have a recurring theme. You may get upset when you expect the other person to be in one role and they want to be in the same role as you! When two people are Suppliers, there is no communication, and possible cause for an upset. When two people are Consumers, there is no communication, and possible cause for an upset. A person may sometime give you the appearance that they want to play the role of the Supplier and give you something...yet secretly want to be a Consumer, and get something from you. This is a "mixed message!" Sound familiar to you? On the other hand, a person may give the appearance that they want to play the role of the Consumer and ask you for something, yet secretly want to be a Supplier, and verbally let you have it! Another "mixed message." For effective communication, each person in an interaction must be in different roles. Someone must be the Supplier, someone must be the Consumer. If someone says something to you that you don't like and you don't say something to that person -- you are a closet Supplier! You feel that you can't give that person something that you want to give...that is, a piece of your mind! Using the terms Consumer and Supplier to identify the roles and establish the expectations of the participants takes the charge off potentially upsetting situations. 1. When you are conscious of your role as a Consumer or a Supplier, you will know the power that is available to you -- which you always have! 2. When two people talk to each other at the same time, they are both supplying. No communication takes place. Usually both parties gradually raise their voices attempting to shout down the other -- an upset in the making. 3. When two people "hold it in" and don't talk to one another, no communication takes place. They are both consuming -- an upset in the making. Your upset is determined by the role you were in at the time you got upset. In order to resolve your upset, you must change roles -- from being a Consumer to being a Supplier, or vice versa. If the suggestions you are given by the Counsellor to resolve your Upset are in conflict with your belief, consider if your belief is serving you and what it is costing you not to change it. If you can change it, do so! If you can't, can you change the reality of the situation? If so, become the Consumer and do it! Unrealistic Distortions of our Expecting Is your belief or expectation unrealistic? Here are some identifiers to give you a clue: 1. Do you think your situation is much worse than it really is? Do you see it as going to get worse but you have no real evidence to support it? If so you are jumping to conclusions or assumptions and your expectation needs to be altered. 2. Do you find yourself demanding (shoulds, musts, oughts) that things line up with your thoughts? Is there any reason they should NOT be as they already ARE or ARE NOT? If so you may take a clue that you have a rule. Ask yourself, "Does it serve me well?" Are you insisting that things must change from what they are, or that they must not change? This may be a reasonable demand on the surface, but if you hold to it rigidly you've changed it from a "WANT" (a preference) to a "NEED" (something you must have or you will somehow die). 3. Do you find yourself putting conditions on whether or not you accept your self, or you accept others around you? Rating or evaluating other person(s) or rating yourself in put-down terms? Some people call this labelling. It is an inaccurate way of describing someone too complex to be understood by your label. IF you continue to think in this totalistic way, guess who will keep UPSET? 4. Is your thinking blocking you from achieving your goals and purposes? Do you have a clear sense of mission or purpose in life? What blocks it? 5. Is your thinking generating strong emotions which persist, and with distress you; frustrate you (and others close to you); or immobilise you? 6. Is your thinking generating unhelpful behaviour which harms you, others, or your life in general? If you find these kinds of thinking apply to you, then you might consider that you are best to change your thinking first, which is to change your expectation to match reality.