FH Learning to Listen

Breaking patterns of the one person dialogue

Is to learn to show true affection

Listening is a skill to be learned

When I listen the following happens...

• I accept you without trying to change you into my own image.
  
• I create an environment of understanding, consideration, cooperation.
  
• I tune out other sounds, including my own, and focus on the one person.
  
• I accept the other as a person of value.
  
• I respect the other’s personhood.
  
• I gain deeper insights about myself and others.
  
• I recognise my own need to be heard.

OTHER important aspects

Attending

The way I use my body to communicate that "I am with you" or "You have my attention."

• I face you.
  
• I use appropriate eye contact.
  
• I am relaxed and open towards you.
  
• I am not jiggling around.

Listening to the NON-verbals

• Notice my facial expressions
  
• Observe my voice/body/posture/movement
  
• Spot my breathing; blushing; paleness or general appearance
  
• DO the verbals match the body language?

Listening to the verbal message

• It is very important to listen to your FEELINGS as well as the CONTENT of what you say


• What feelings go with the subject being talked about? (the experiences or behaviour being spoken)


• What customs go with the same?

Responding with empathy

It is also important for you to communicate what You have heard.

1. To show that you have listened carefully.

2. To show that you have understood how the other is feeling and what they are saying to you.

3. To check if you have heard correctly. E.g. You reflect back by saying, "So you feel … because …?"

Some do NOTs of listening

• Don’t interrupt or say, "But…"
  
• Don’t change the subject
  
• Don’t give advice (unless asked for it)
  
• Don’t think of your reply while the other person is still speaking.
  
• Don’t feel obliged to fill in pauses or silences.
  
• Don’t judge or condemn.

Some things to DO

• Accept the other person where they are at (not the same as agreeing).
  
• Allow them time to say things in their own way, to stumble if necessary.
  
• "Step inside" their shoes
  
• Reflect back their feelings
  
• Allow them to make their own decisions

When I listen with my heart...

• I come alive
  
• Growth occurs
  
• Walls and barriers disintegrate inside and out
  
• I reveal my undiscovered talents and beauty
  
• I feel important
  
• My healing process (and theirs) begins
  
• Advice is cheap
  
• I can write to a Newspaper with a 40c stamp.
  
• I might not look together, but I am not helpless
  
• Don’t do for me what I can do for myself or it adds to how I feel.
  
• Just accept me without conditions, it helps me cool, and me to understand me. I don’t have to struggle for approval anymore.

And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice…Dr. Robert A. Hatcher

 

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